Disclaimer: This article is written in jest. I actually love looking at the weird shit people put on Facebook. Sometimes stuff gets so bad it's funny. So don't get offended. Also I'm fully aware I've done lots of these things myself. Hypocrisy FTW :D
We all see them on our news feeds. Maybe we’ve even been then sometime. But it’s pretty hard for us intellectuals, with reading levels over the age of 3, and with a shred of common decency to manage to be a Facebook Douchebag all that often. So here’s a guide. Print it out and stick it to your computer screen. Not being able to see what you’ve written might just aid in the quest to piss off your online companions. But I digress...
- Use hashtags in your statuses! - “Just ate a grap! #imsoquirky”. Or maybe try some cool phrases! “Going to get so drunk I need subtitles - YOLO!”.
- Upload pictures of things you’ve cooked! Pretty cakes to beans on toast and everything in between! People love seeing that shit! Maybe stick a few up of your pets too. Everyone else cares about your Jack Russell so much.
- Did you study French in Year 9? Ever watched Pans Labyrinth? Tell your Facebook friends you speak French and Spanish! It’ll make you look cultured, and no one can call you on it! (Unless they speak that language. But these are online people, you never have to actually see them...)
- Grammar, punctuation and spelling are for nerds. Its Facebook. It doesn’t matter if it takes several seconds for people to decipher what you’ve said, maybe that way they won’t realize just how boring you are for a little while longer...
- If you’re a girl, make an album with your name or a cutesy nickname, put a little heart next to it, and then start adding to it! Take a new photo after you’ve put your make up on every day and upload it. It’ll brighten peoples morning seeing your smug face once again, for no discernible reason!
- Plus, you can then choose one of these pictures, instagram the crap out of it, add some cheesy text about ‘true love’ or ‘self respect’, and then put it as your profile picture! Everyone will think you’re so deep.
- Make a Facebook group for yourself or your ‘hobby’. You’re a great Model/Photographer/Artist/Musician! Let the world know!
- Write essays about the person you love as your status. Regardless of how things are going. You could write “I luff ma babee so much he is so good to me!” on good days, and “Why is he being so mean to me I don’t get it what have i done i love you..” on the bad ones. That way all your friends can feel guilty and try to reassure you every day until they get sick of it and delete you.
- To make people pay even more attention to you, why don’t you try loudly announcing you are upset, and then not telling anyone why. People love that shit. Makes you seem mysterious.
- If you have a significant other, as well as posting love messages on each other’s walls, involve yourself in everything else they do. Like all their statuses and join in on all their conversations with other people. Why wouldn’t they want you prying on every aspect of their life!
These are just a few quick ideas to get you started. Of course you could always try being insensitive to other people's beliefs, try to enforce your own beliefs on other people, or check in everywhere you go. That'll get a couple of people to unsubscribe to your newsfeeds.
God I'm an angry bitch sometimes, haha.
