So I got bored and started watching/reading some stuff on how to be British/English, and how to impersonate our accent. And frankly I'm appalled. People seem to think we are either Chavs, or upper class snobs. I think some people even had us confused with Americans! Look at this quote from one of the articles!
"Be lots of fun. Many English people are full of energy and it makes people want to be around them more. Do something impulsive, or try being a daredevil. Others will love it."
That is good advice, but it is NOT England at all. That's the opposite of us! So, for you amusement and benefit, I present to you a REAL guide to being English.
1. The art of Complaining
Us English people love to complain. It's like a sport for us. It doesn't even mean we're unhappy, we just get a kick out of it. Living in a first world country doesn't really leave that much to want for, so most of us will find even the slightest inconvenience and start bombarding the council/local newspaper with angry letters. We're like the mother-in-law of the world. Have a read of this article and you'll catch my drift. You need to complain about EVERYTHING if you want ANYONE to believe you're English.
2. Bitterness and Resentment
Being bitter goes hand in had with complaining. We're that kid who stays in his room all night, scrolling through his News Feed posting rude hateful comments between having narcissistic wanks and being a lonely problem drinker.
We hate every other country. Especially America and France. The Americans because they are too cheerful, and optimistic for us, and we find the French to have unsightly manners and are far more skilled in romance, which as a nation we resent.
You may be wondering how to apply this to situations. Well. When you are in the pub with the English people you are trying to fool, and they start complaining about their chairs/pints/wives/lives/children/taxes/immigrants etc, all you need to say is, "Hey, it could be worse, you could be French." Big English Brownie Points for that one.
3. Real English people won't watch the Royal Wedding
Just like we don't watch the Queen's speech at Christmas. English people not only hate other countries, the hate also flows internally too. We hate those bastard not-quite-countries on what should be OUR island (I'm looking at YOU Wales/Scotland), everyone down south hates everyone up north, and people in London just generally hate, well, everyone NOT in London.
But don't worry! We are all of us bound by a mutual hatred of Birmingham.
So wherever in England you are, pull out a map and bitch until you're hearts content. Try calling people from a place Chavs or Skin 'eads, suggest places are cheap and disgusting, and just generally be inventive.
4. We've evolved from Tea.
Now we drink cheap cider and Bacardi Breezers and get pregnant at 14! If you really want to be English you need to have had at least one pregnancy scare in your teenage years. If not make one up.
Useful Phrases:
Rather than spending valuable tea drinking time listing English phrases, I'm going to be lazy and show you a video that sums up all England is today.
If you want to see the articles and videos that inspired this blog, go to My Facebook
1 comment:
Lovely....Brilliant Read.....!
Well said you, as a Sicilian....I will keep my gob shut, at this point.
I'll just sit here with my Lemon Tea, (Earl Grey). And read through it again....! :0).
But, it takes all sorts....!
And, no l won't be watch'in the Royal Wedd'in.....On TV. I've got an invite. :).
Oh! love the new pic....Looks GooooD...!
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