Wednesday, 30 November 2011

How to Live Life Like an RPG

So with the arrival of Skyrim, a lot of us, (or at least most of my nerdy Facebook friends) have been losing their degrees/jobs/social lives to its warm embrace. It has the same addictive tendencies as World of Warcraft - but luckily it's not quite as nerdy or time consuming so I don't feel like a complete dick playing it :D

But games like this often have a real charm to them that I admire. They're not like Halo or COD or most other games out there. You're not a pre-designed character running through pre-designed levels, doing what the developers have decided what you should do. You're plonked into a new and interesting world and left to explore at your own pace, without a huge difference between the game world and reality. You can get a house, get married, go to jail, carry so much shit you can barely walk, etc. And frankly, I'd add RPG life to real life any day. So here's what I propose in order to live in the real world.

The Basics
† Run around with both your hands held up to your face, Skyrim style. (Can be equipped with swords/daggers/spells)


† Carry everything you have ever owned ever in a bag that's barely noticeable on your person.

† Refer to your health in hit points.


Make your very own questing interface!
Unless you're a pretentious twat who "doesn't need a fancy phone to feel socially valid," you will most likely have a new-ish phone, with GPS.

iPhones can already send you reminders when you reach certain destinations (eg "Remind me when I get to Boots to buy condoms and handsoap" or "Remind me when I get home to bitchslap my wife and neglect my kids") this technology could easily be developed into the quest interface found in most RPG style games.
Go Shopping in Tescos (Reward 200XP)
  • Get Milk ✓
  • Get Bread ✓
  • Get Alcohol ✓
  • (Optional) Pay a visit to the vegetable section. - BONUS QUEST FAILED
  • Pay the cashier OR attempt to leave without paying. ✓
  • Escape the city guards.
† Keep a tally of your XP gained and occasionally level up. - You can use your level to impress girls and get better jobs!

† Never talk to the same person twice. If they're not asking you a favour they will probably just repeat the same phrase infinitely.

† Kill any bugs/creatures you see for XP and dropped gold/materials.

† Smash all boxes/crates/vases you see. They've probably got owner-less unattended treasure in them.


† Avoid forests and high grass unless you're confident you're a high enough level to face the shit you'll come across.

† Maintain drinking a potion can restore stats. Eg fruit smoothies restore health. Red Bull restores stamina.

† Alcohol gives you an immediate stamina boost but it will regenerate 25% slower.

† Consider making all future combat turn-based.

† Feeling envious of someone? Kill them and loot their corpse. It'll evaporate eventually.

† Go into any shop and attempt to sell the crap you find on your quests.

† If you're badly wounded, sleep for an hour. You'll be fully recovered.

† Carry deodorant and matches for fire spells, liquid nitrogen for ice spells, and a cattle prod or a taser for lightning spells.  



† Address people by their jobs or social status. (eg. Guard, Merchant, Peasant etc)

† Ask new people overly personal questions so they can send you on a quest to recover a family heirloom or settle the score with an old enemy.

† When you've done favours demand payment in gold, XP or items.

† Hold and rotate items really close to your face to examine them.

† Create a detailed inventory and weigh everything you own. Find your capacity and become "over encumbered" when attempting to lift more than this amount.

† Lastly, when you're done, sit down cross legged in the street to "Log Off"

Alternatively, if this is all too much for you, just sit somewhere for hours on end repeating the same few phrases and be an NPC.

Hope this helped you all have some great ideas on how to make the most out of this Christmas! If you have more comment and I'll add them ;)

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Why "True Love" and "Guy Love" Can Fuck Off

Yup. It's another rant. 

I've been ill in bed all week and, naturally, this has resulted in me watching a buttload of tv. Mainly, Scrubs and Vampire Diaries, so both my rants have stemmed from these programs. Plus I re-read the first Vampire Diaries book today, so maybe if you don't know a lot about that series you might not get my first point, but other films back it up. So lets get started.

Elena and Stefan's love in The Vampire Diaries is fake, shallow and frankly, unearned.


This is a basic summary of their relationship, and how it was formed in the first Vampire Diaries book. 

Elena's parents are dead, but don't worry she's still super popular and beautiful and described by friends and enemies alike as "Queen of the school" who can pull any guy she likes. Then on the first day of term Stefan Salvatore turns up. A short, dark stranger wearing sunglasses, who pulls up in a Porsche and despite Elena's best efforts, totally blanks her. Naturally being as determined as she is, she tries lots of ways to get his attention, but to no avail. Frustrated she goes and gets herself raped in a cemetery, Stefan shows up and saves the day. And guess what? Turns out he wasn't blanking her because he hated her, but because he was in love with her, she tells him she loves him too the morning after this. THEY ARE IN LOVE ALREADY WTF?! Later she walks in on him doing vampire-y things and is like OMG D: But after about 10 minutes she's fine, and they're soul mates again.
Are you guys seeing my problem here? There is no foundation for love! It's completely unearned and unwarranted. Sure they find each other attractive but I think it's insulting to real love to say that they could have these feelings after a couple of weeks staring at each other, and then two conversations. After this point in both the TV show and the books, they are ready to literally die for each other. It angers me because the author is too lazy to show any build up to that relationship. No subtlety, no flirting, no letting the readers get excited about whats going to happen. Just:
Ooh that guy's hot! ---> Kiss ---> I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU I'D DIE FOR YOU AND SACRIFICE ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST TO BE WITH YOU.
 Maybe I'm a cynic, but as far as I'm concerned that just doesn't happen. Relationships develop. It takes time to build up feelings that strong for a person. I don't know if Twilight develops the love better than this cause I get the impression they have all this "I'd die for you" crap. Don't get me wrong, if I had to chose between saving myself or Paul, I'd chose his life every time, but we've known each other for ages.
Do you get what I'm saying or is the Flu going to my head?

Oh this also happens in Leap Year. They really fail at what they're trying to do. I see no reason why those two people should be in love. It's totally unconvincing. Rent it and see. Anyway, on to my second point:

JD from Scrubs is a bastard. And Elliot should have married Keith.
 

Ok so I may have an obsessive knowledge of Scrubs. I can tell you with a good degree of accuracy what happens in an episode, or what number/season it is with very few prompts. So maybe I notice this more than other people, but as far as I've seen, JD is a dick. Think about this: 
  1. He convinced Elliot to leave Shaun, then dumped her the next day.
  2. He told Kim (his pregnant girlfriend) that there was absolutely no chance he would ever forgive or fall in love with her, and then was just as brutally honest while she was in labour, causing them to break up.
  3. As illustrated by a whole episode, all he does is take from his friends, and demand looking after.
  4. When he and Carla accidentally kiss he's initially happy to let her take the blame and risk ruining their marriage before he has it pointed out to him that what he's doing is wrong.
  5. He switched his hours so he had a night off that was Turks only alone night, and then assumed Turk would hang out with him every week without even consulting him first.
  6. He tried to kiss Elliot while she was engaged to Keith, and kept saying "It should have been me." 
  7. If he liked Elliot so much why did he try to spend all that time trying to sleep with her best friend while Elliot got engaged?
  8. He's needy and spends all his time wallowing in self pity, and yet in some episodes he's a narcissist.
I'm sure I can think of more reasons why I hate him, but there's a few to get you started. Keith was a genuinely nice, honest person who would do anything for Elliot, and was way hot. I seriously considered not watching after the end of season six...

All Time Faves :)