Wednesday, 30 November 2011

How to Live Life Like an RPG

So with the arrival of Skyrim, a lot of us, (or at least most of my nerdy Facebook friends) have been losing their degrees/jobs/social lives to its warm embrace. It has the same addictive tendencies as World of Warcraft - but luckily it's not quite as nerdy or time consuming so I don't feel like a complete dick playing it :D

But games like this often have a real charm to them that I admire. They're not like Halo or COD or most other games out there. You're not a pre-designed character running through pre-designed levels, doing what the developers have decided what you should do. You're plonked into a new and interesting world and left to explore at your own pace, without a huge difference between the game world and reality. You can get a house, get married, go to jail, carry so much shit you can barely walk, etc. And frankly, I'd add RPG life to real life any day. So here's what I propose in order to live in the real world.

The Basics
† Run around with both your hands held up to your face, Skyrim style. (Can be equipped with swords/daggers/spells)


† Carry everything you have ever owned ever in a bag that's barely noticeable on your person.

† Refer to your health in hit points.


Make your very own questing interface!
Unless you're a pretentious twat who "doesn't need a fancy phone to feel socially valid," you will most likely have a new-ish phone, with GPS.

iPhones can already send you reminders when you reach certain destinations (eg "Remind me when I get to Boots to buy condoms and handsoap" or "Remind me when I get home to bitchslap my wife and neglect my kids") this technology could easily be developed into the quest interface found in most RPG style games.
Go Shopping in Tescos (Reward 200XP)
  • Get Milk ✓
  • Get Bread ✓
  • Get Alcohol ✓
  • (Optional) Pay a visit to the vegetable section. - BONUS QUEST FAILED
  • Pay the cashier OR attempt to leave without paying. ✓
  • Escape the city guards.
† Keep a tally of your XP gained and occasionally level up. - You can use your level to impress girls and get better jobs!

† Never talk to the same person twice. If they're not asking you a favour they will probably just repeat the same phrase infinitely.

† Kill any bugs/creatures you see for XP and dropped gold/materials.

† Smash all boxes/crates/vases you see. They've probably got owner-less unattended treasure in them.


† Avoid forests and high grass unless you're confident you're a high enough level to face the shit you'll come across.

† Maintain drinking a potion can restore stats. Eg fruit smoothies restore health. Red Bull restores stamina.

† Alcohol gives you an immediate stamina boost but it will regenerate 25% slower.

† Consider making all future combat turn-based.

† Feeling envious of someone? Kill them and loot their corpse. It'll evaporate eventually.

† Go into any shop and attempt to sell the crap you find on your quests.

† If you're badly wounded, sleep for an hour. You'll be fully recovered.

† Carry deodorant and matches for fire spells, liquid nitrogen for ice spells, and a cattle prod or a taser for lightning spells.  



† Address people by their jobs or social status. (eg. Guard, Merchant, Peasant etc)

† Ask new people overly personal questions so they can send you on a quest to recover a family heirloom or settle the score with an old enemy.

† When you've done favours demand payment in gold, XP or items.

† Hold and rotate items really close to your face to examine them.

† Create a detailed inventory and weigh everything you own. Find your capacity and become "over encumbered" when attempting to lift more than this amount.

† Lastly, when you're done, sit down cross legged in the street to "Log Off"

Alternatively, if this is all too much for you, just sit somewhere for hours on end repeating the same few phrases and be an NPC.

Hope this helped you all have some great ideas on how to make the most out of this Christmas! If you have more comment and I'll add them ;)

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Why "True Love" and "Guy Love" Can Fuck Off

Yup. It's another rant. 

I've been ill in bed all week and, naturally, this has resulted in me watching a buttload of tv. Mainly, Scrubs and Vampire Diaries, so both my rants have stemmed from these programs. Plus I re-read the first Vampire Diaries book today, so maybe if you don't know a lot about that series you might not get my first point, but other films back it up. So lets get started.

Elena and Stefan's love in The Vampire Diaries is fake, shallow and frankly, unearned.


This is a basic summary of their relationship, and how it was formed in the first Vampire Diaries book. 

Elena's parents are dead, but don't worry she's still super popular and beautiful and described by friends and enemies alike as "Queen of the school" who can pull any guy she likes. Then on the first day of term Stefan Salvatore turns up. A short, dark stranger wearing sunglasses, who pulls up in a Porsche and despite Elena's best efforts, totally blanks her. Naturally being as determined as she is, she tries lots of ways to get his attention, but to no avail. Frustrated she goes and gets herself raped in a cemetery, Stefan shows up and saves the day. And guess what? Turns out he wasn't blanking her because he hated her, but because he was in love with her, she tells him she loves him too the morning after this. THEY ARE IN LOVE ALREADY WTF?! Later she walks in on him doing vampire-y things and is like OMG D: But after about 10 minutes she's fine, and they're soul mates again.
Are you guys seeing my problem here? There is no foundation for love! It's completely unearned and unwarranted. Sure they find each other attractive but I think it's insulting to real love to say that they could have these feelings after a couple of weeks staring at each other, and then two conversations. After this point in both the TV show and the books, they are ready to literally die for each other. It angers me because the author is too lazy to show any build up to that relationship. No subtlety, no flirting, no letting the readers get excited about whats going to happen. Just:
Ooh that guy's hot! ---> Kiss ---> I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU I'D DIE FOR YOU AND SACRIFICE ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST TO BE WITH YOU.
 Maybe I'm a cynic, but as far as I'm concerned that just doesn't happen. Relationships develop. It takes time to build up feelings that strong for a person. I don't know if Twilight develops the love better than this cause I get the impression they have all this "I'd die for you" crap. Don't get me wrong, if I had to chose between saving myself or Paul, I'd chose his life every time, but we've known each other for ages.
Do you get what I'm saying or is the Flu going to my head?

Oh this also happens in Leap Year. They really fail at what they're trying to do. I see no reason why those two people should be in love. It's totally unconvincing. Rent it and see. Anyway, on to my second point:

JD from Scrubs is a bastard. And Elliot should have married Keith.
 

Ok so I may have an obsessive knowledge of Scrubs. I can tell you with a good degree of accuracy what happens in an episode, or what number/season it is with very few prompts. So maybe I notice this more than other people, but as far as I've seen, JD is a dick. Think about this: 
  1. He convinced Elliot to leave Shaun, then dumped her the next day.
  2. He told Kim (his pregnant girlfriend) that there was absolutely no chance he would ever forgive or fall in love with her, and then was just as brutally honest while she was in labour, causing them to break up.
  3. As illustrated by a whole episode, all he does is take from his friends, and demand looking after.
  4. When he and Carla accidentally kiss he's initially happy to let her take the blame and risk ruining their marriage before he has it pointed out to him that what he's doing is wrong.
  5. He switched his hours so he had a night off that was Turks only alone night, and then assumed Turk would hang out with him every week without even consulting him first.
  6. He tried to kiss Elliot while she was engaged to Keith, and kept saying "It should have been me." 
  7. If he liked Elliot so much why did he try to spend all that time trying to sleep with her best friend while Elliot got engaged?
  8. He's needy and spends all his time wallowing in self pity, and yet in some episodes he's a narcissist.
I'm sure I can think of more reasons why I hate him, but there's a few to get you started. Keith was a genuinely nice, honest person who would do anything for Elliot, and was way hot. I seriously considered not watching after the end of season six...

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Plymouth - Days one to four

So for those of you who manged to not be aware, Sunday was my first day in Plymouth. I decided to document the events of the day, and what's happened since, for interested family/friends, and so I always remember it.

For those of you that are friends with me on Facebook, you could probably tell I wasn't exactly eager to get to uni. Here are some of the statuses I posted on the Saturday whilst packing:
It's raining, that's a bad omen, so I can't go to university today. Time to call the whole thing off and stay in bed :) · at 11:03
I sneezed a whole bunch of times in a row. I'm clearly dying. Can't go to uni. Sorry. · at 11:26 
My hand hurts. It's probably polio. Cant go to uni. · at 11:52
SOMEBODY ATE MY SPECIAL UNI CEREAL. JUSTIC MUST BE UPHELD. CANT GO TO UNI TOO BUSY UPHOLDING CEREAL JUSTICE. · at 12:04
CANT GO TO UNI. NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL JUSTICE.· at 12:05
Can't find the remote for my tv. Can't go to uni. · at 13:27
My feet hurt I can't go to uni. · at 15:45
Theres a dead spider in my room. I'm fairly certain he'd have wanted a funeral. It's going to take weeks to find his family and organise it all. Can't go to uni. Sorry guys. · at 15:48
I'm allergic to Plymouth. · at 17:12
On the way to uni (still allergic) - does anyone else find those "Thank you for driving carefully" signs annoying presumptuous? · at 21:28
So you can probably tell it wasn't exactly an exciting idea for me. 

Sunday started around 10am with us being rudely kicked out of the caravan park - and driving away with bits of the motor home dragging along the floor, as concerned drivers tried to signal us. Then after a 20 minute parking ordeal, and an equally long queue, I made it to my room :)



It's pretty sexy really, I've seen a lot worse. And the bathroom is huuuuge :)


The next day I picked up some of the sexiest posters you'll ever see, plus a printer (that I realised I had no paper for) and some blu tack and pins to make a pretty Fwend Collage :) I was feeling pretty good, my room felt more home-y. Have a gander :P


If you're on here, it means you're important :)




Other than that it's been a fairly ok time, besides the lack of hot water in the flat, and the Sambuca incident... First night meeting everyone on my course, quite enjoying myself chatting away and BAM purple Sambuca and lemonade all over my lap, the table, and several people's bags. I was pretty tempted to just call it a night there and then, I mean, they definitely had something to remember me by now. God I hate my clumsiness...
Buuut the people on my floor are cool, and tomorrow is attempt two at not looking like a dick in front of Psych students, so wish me luck aha xD

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE RIOTS.

Ok, maybe I feel particularly strongly about the rioting because frankly I am very attached to London. I was born there and spent my childhood in it's cold yet exciting embrace. But in the last few days I've grown so tired of everyone putting their Facebook status as stuff like this:

"OMG FUK U STUPID CHAVZ. CARE ABOUT UR COUNTRY!"

And any variations in spelling/grammar/wording. It's the same point. Yes, we get it: you, along with 99.999% of the non-rioting population, think that the people smashing Ladbrookes and burning down Nandos are cunts. Wow. What a refreshing view point. But what are you actually doing about it?

The chances are you're not friends with anyone rioting, so they can't see your statuses. And even if they could, they're not inside checking Facebook, they're outside BOMBING SHIT.

It just annoys me how we all sit here and judge them but we're not doing anything. So, I propose, we all organize a day to go to London/Birmingham/etc and actually help. Otherwise we're just a bunch of lazy fuckers whining on the internet.

There are people that could use our help. We could go clean homes/businesses. Here's a link. Don't be a twat, actually do something.




Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Woah.

So I've spent my who life wondering about this man, Andrew. He's my birth father, and although I love my real dad dearly, I've always wanted to talk to my, shall we call him, "sperm donor dad".

When I was little I used to look at pictures of me and Mum, and try and figure out what he looked like from my features that she doesn't have. I'd draw him sometimes, and hope to this day that he's some big millionaire who will buy me clothes to suppress the guilt of leaving me. This probably isn't going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?

When I was 16 I was at my grandad's house when he found a video that Andrew was in, and for the first time in my life, I got to see his face. I felt sick to my stomach and like my world had been turned completely upside down. He looked just like me. As far as I'm concerned, I share more in common with him in my looks, than with her.

Today, I found him on 192.com, and have sent him a letter. And once again my whole life feels like it has changed. I don't want a relationship with him, as I've said, no one can replace the dad I already have, but the idea that he will be reading something I've written, both excites and terrifies me. And so for the next few weeks I'll be living in fear, waiting to see if he'll respond.

I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this. Maybe I just wanted to write about something real for once, and not just sex. It will be 14 years since my adoption on the 17th, so it feels like everything is getting really intense, right before uni haha.

Monday, 1 August 2011

My Birthday List :)

It's twelve days from now (August 13th) and I thought it'd be fun to tell you everything I want. Not because I'm expecting people to buy these things for me (How rude would that be?!) But mainly as a point of reference, and so after my birthday, and in the future, I can gradually tick off the list.

I want New Look vouchers. It's my favourite shop, and I need sexy new things for uni. All my clothes are falling apart!

I want some kick ass shades for when I'm trying to look cool. B)

I want earrings, because I'm always losing them, and with seven piercings, that's a lot to find.

I want pretty bracelets, just cause :P

I want psychology books that will make me look smart when I'm strolling through the city, or sippin' a shake in Starbucks.

I want Alice: Madness Returns. It's the one game I've been waiting years to come out. Literally.

I want a monocle to go with a gift that Lewis will hopefully obtain for me :P

And most of all...


I want to see all my lovely friends!

I WANT A MOTHERFUCKING PIRATE SHIP!

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Am I a bad person? Or just brutally honest?

Ok, so you may have noticed the new poll on this site, just below the tabs bar thingy, asking you a question:


You save up for weeks to buy a new car, but before you get to the shop, a kid comes along and steals all your money. You follow him and realise he stole the money to pay for his mother's medical treatment. She has cancer. What do you do?
Let him keep all the money, you can save up again.
  
You'd have preferred him to ask you first. Stealing is wrong. But you let him keep some of the money.
  
Take it all back and advise him to seek help elsewhere. It's not your fault he's in that situation. You worked hard for this money.

So, dear friends, let me elaborate for you. I myself was asked this question, (or similar, I forget) and I'm interested as to how you'll respond before and after reading my explanation. So, if you're dedicated to read this whole thing, please now vote on the above poll.

Done?

Good :)

I'll tell you what I put now. I responded with the third option. I would not give the child any of my money. This question was on a Harry Potter quiz designed to put you in a house, and I got Slytherin. But is it really so wrong to put this answer, initially yes it does seem selfish, but think about it:

Firstly, this kid hasn't asked your permission. For all he knows you could be buying this car to drive around your recently crippled spouse, who has to regularly go to hospital for check ups. This could be your first car that you've spent years dreaming about and finally saved up enough to afford. For all he knows you could have been dreaming about this day for years, or have a greater need for the money than even he does.

Secondly, what is the money even going to get him? Surely if she has cancer, she should be seeing a doctor, I can't see what he'd need money for. The NHS isn't unreasonable, if you can't afford prescriptions and stuff they'll let you off. Aren't these people on benefits?!

Also, the money would be much better served in some kind of cancer research program. Helping one person is nothing compared to the thousands you could help that way.

It's not your fault, and it's not your problem. Mean as that may sound, there are ways of dealing with this that don't involve thievery. Maybe you donate a huge proportion of your salary to charity. Maybe this is the first thing you've bought for yourself in years. Even if the mother can't get treatment from the NHS, doesn't mean you should have to pay for all of it. Certainly not if he's stolen. He should get a job, or ask people for help. And not just one person, spread the costs.

So now I ask you, am I selfish in saying I wouldn't help this kid? Or am I just more honest with myself than most people?

At the bottom of this page is the same poll again, and after reading this I would like you to put what you would do honestly. Cast away what you'd like to think you'd do and start thinking about what you'd really do. If your answers are different, and you're okay with people knowing what you put, I'd love to have you comment on this post about what changed your mind.

Please join in, this stuff fascinates me. :)

However, please don't feel obliged to vote should you find this subject insensitive or are in any way offended. I know quite a few of the people reading this will have lost a friend to cancer recently, and mean no disrespect.

Friday, 15 July 2011

YAY! :D

I finally invested in a new domain name :) You can now get here by going to xenopuff.com


EXCITING :D

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

If you don't like it, go f**k Luigi in the ass...

Ok so that last blog will be a bloody hard act to follow. It pretty much tripled my blog visits O.o I've literally been too scared to write now, because nothing I can say will be as good :P So I've been sexing up the site itself instead :)

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you all about Katy Perry. Previously in this post, I slagged her off no end. HOWEVER, my opinion of her has now changed. My unnatural hatred has been turned into respect, and here's why: She included Rebecca Black in her music video, which, her decision or not, was a pretty classy thing to do. (Yes I did just say "classy". Deal with it.) I've always felt bad for dear ol' Rebecca, I mean, that appalling song wasn't really her fault. She's a victim of what the music industry is becoming, and more importantly, her record company. It's not her we should be abusing, its the label that pushed her into recording the world's worst song. (Although there was apparently a choice of two songs... So imagine how bad the other one must have been...) So yeah, having her in the video earned back my respect, which obviously means Katy Perry can retire now, having fulfilled this crucial goal.

T.G.I.N.F.


On the other hand, I notice the Wii is boasting more add-ons to improve the functionality of the controllers, and is mass-advertising this new technology at present. Am I the only person who thinks they are taking the piss?! Nintendo are making you idiots shell out tons of cash for stuff that frankly it was supposed to ALREADY do when it was released! Why are you having to pay AGAIN for something THEY didn't follow through on?! Thus I will not dignify the Wii with ever acknowledging it's existence again after this post. I will never touch one of the bloody things again, controllers, EXPENSIVE ADD-ONS and all, let alone play a GAME on one. (Although frankly I couldn't anyway. The graphics make me want to go on a killing spree.) So I hope you all enjoy your expensive devices that do what an arcade could do with House of the Dead in the 90s. The Wii is dead to me. It's pretty much made by Satan.



There. Rant over. :)

Monday, 11 July 2011

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Embarassing things I used to believe about sex when I was little.

If there's one thing I have to thank my mum for, it's for never bullshitting me about sex. There was never any of that "Mummies and Daddies wish really hard and babies appear," crap. She was honest. Naturally that made me the most knowledgeable person about sex at first school, a position of great honour, which, as I recall, I abused terribly. However, I never really picked up some of the finer details and so spent many years in the dark about so many things. Here's a few things I genuinely believed, cherry picked just for you. 


1. The man pees inside the woman.

Why don't we have cool stuff like THIS in Trafalgar Square? Way better than crappy lions.

Mum told me the man releases a "special fluid" inside the girl that contains a "seed". Being naive and young, I assumed it was piss. And that all piss contained this seed... I then started to get paranoid about toilet seats. Those things are notoriously covered in urine! What if I got some inside me?! This was just about the time I stopped using public toilets.


2. Penises point outwards, not upwards.

It looks like a shark fin...

I knew about erections, but all I'd seen were those pictures of pubescent boys at swimming lessons, their throbbing members bursting out in a thoroughly forward direction. I'm talking 90 degrees here, a perfect, incontestable "T" shape. If you turn the T on its side ;) So imagine my horror on encountering my first erect penis and it pointing very much towards the ceiling. I mean sure, everything made so much more sense with this new knowledge, but I had spent years trying to figure out how you would go about having sex with the 90° penis (my conclusion was something similar to what we would call a wheelbarrow position), and now I felt utterly humiliated and rather dumb. Plus I must have looked very shocked when I saw his manhood, which  would be a crippling blow to any gentleman's self esteem.

I can imagine this being a bastard on her arms.


3. Sex is just in and out once, not repetitive motion.

Watch from about 2 minutes in. They're not moving! It looks like she's just sitting on him!
Along Came Polly was the only film I'd watched with sex in that I'd actually noticed, and seriously, they make sex look like you're just sitting there, inside each other, waiting to finish. I had no idea until literally mid losing my virginity that this wasn't the case. I remember thinking to myself "Nooo! This isn't how you do it! Why is he moving so much? Is he trying to get comfy? Wuhhh?" As you can guess it wasn't an experience I enjoyed much, if at all, but at least I learned this lesson.


4. Only some boys have testicles.

Because my young eyes had only seen a handful of penises through incidents like accidentally walking in on my dad in the bath, kids getting them out the the playground etc, I had seen testicles once, and could not for the life of me figure out what they were. I think I put them down to some sort of growth and ignored their existence for quite a while.

If only I'd seen this lamp sooner!


5. Blow jobs are literally just blowing on a penis, and have little to do with sex.

Can't really elaborate on this one. But I will say that the name is horrifically misleading in this way, and you learn the term YEARS before you are actually required to give one.

6. Booby traps were literally traps that grabbed your boobies.

Naturally I shared all these view with my classmates, some of whom actually believed me and so I'd like to apologize to anyone who went to Holy Trinity CE Primary School if I blurred your view of sex in any way.

If anyone else had any stupid view like this, please comment with them so I know I'm not the only retard in town ;)

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Monday, 27 June 2011

My Observations - Things I have learned this month.

So it's been a random sort of month. My trip to Bristol that I had hoped would inspire me, although enjoyable, didn't spark anything... Although, Simon did hack into a Tesco's display laptop, connect it to the internet and use it to get pictures onto a USB so we could print it at one of those machines. I honestly thought we were going to get arrested haha. But other than that, not a lot has been happening. I missed a happy pill, went crazy and dumped Paul? Not my proudest moment, but I'm doing everything I can to get him back, because I do love the guy, so... we'll see what happens there.

Buut if I don't patch things up with Paul, I will be moving out of Blandford permanently, due to a lack of places to live, which is scary... O.o

But anyway, on with what I've learned...

1. Never miss a happy pill.
Literally. It makes you go crazy. If you are unlucky enough to be on them, like me, take them regularly! The girls reading I'm sure can think of examples where they have made bad decisions because of a period, well take that, and times it by a million. Not fun.

2. It's a good thing life isn't like LA Noire.
Imagine walking down an alleyway and your whole body vibrating every time you walk past an empty bottle. That being said, it's an amazing game, and I would thoroughly recommend it.




3. Scrubs Med School must be hypnotic or something.
On paper, it's an awful idea. Scrubs without the Janitor? There's hardly any JD, Elliot appears in like two episodes and Carla is completely gone, and rarely mentioned... The main character is probably the most annoying girl ever created, and this is only amplified by her obsession with horses. But for some reason I have watched the entire series back to back probably about five or six times now. I love Cole, how he's so hilariously stupid, and calls "pizza" "za." I love Drew and Denise, they're the new Cox and Jordan, oh and I love when they pretend not to understand the Australian girl. So the first time I watched it, I though, what the fuck is this shit?! Now, I'd rather watch season nine more than any of the others. I feel like a traitor.. This must be what people who liked The Phantom Menace felt like...




4. You never realize how much someone means to you until you lose them
AND
5. You never realize how many people actually care about you until something bad happens to you.

6. I wish my name was Bufty Rolls-Royce

7. The old ladies that come into Julian Graves look at you funny if you're wearing a Star of David, and you get that special treatment that only those fearful of appearing racist can deliver ;)

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Oh my poor, sweet blog :(

Dear Blog,
I haven't forgotten about you I promise! You're my baby! :L I've been checking up on you everyday... The thing is... It's been nearly 3 weeks and I STILL can't think of anything decent to write about.

Let's face it. Some of the things I've written here have been absolute bollocks, so I want to treat you right and write important, cool stuff. But life has been so... samey... I haven't been inspired.

I've spent the last few weeks either hanging out with my boyfriend (Paul Ford, who is lovely by the way, thanks for asking... even if he does frape me and steal my money :P), playing LA Noire, The Sims 3 or sleeping. The latter probably applies to about 50% of my time at the moment... Not healthy, I know... :L

So my dear blog, and faithful readers, don't for one second think I have forgotten you. I need an adventure, something I can write about. Luckily I'm going to Bristol with Simon on thursday... Maybe that'll spark something.

Until the next time,
Farewell xxx

Thursday, 26 May 2011

If I Ruled the World.

To be honest, I don't think this post needs further explanation, so I'll just get on with the list if that's ok with you.


Woah. I paid like 50p for this service you assholes!
First of all, if you read my last post you'll know I'm totally hating on the Post Office right now. I can even look out my window as I type and see the bastards NOT DELIVERING ME LA NOIRE! That bald guy smoking the cigarette should stop killing his lungs and do some freakin' work! How bad is our system that things can just get "lost" and we never see them?! Paul spent £40 on a game once and it never got delievered! How unfair is that?! And you can't prove it so you can never get it back and stuff. Not fair. :'( If that happens with LA Noire I'm going to kill several people for revenge. Or at least mess with their post. I haven't decided yet...

If I were in control I would hire Moist Von Lipwig, that man knows how to deliver a letter. 

As a side note I would also change the uniform. I pity the 40 year old men being made to wear shorts. It's totally degrading.


Dude. I just got this thing. Now I have to pay for it in 5 ways before I can even use it?!
I got my car in October, but her tax disc ran out the day I picked her up. Around that time I also quit my full time, well paying job, so I have yet been able to tax my baby up and take her for a spin. Even if I wanted to I'd have to MOT her, insure her AND fill her up. Why can't this process be simpler?! I want to run into the DVLA throw money and them and scream THERE!!! CAN I DRIVE MY FUCKING CAR NOW?! Bastards. I ain't gunna be a part of their system. There should be one cost for driving, a hybrid insurance/tax if you will, then one MOT and petrol. Simpler. Oh and driving tests should be free the first time. That would be cool.


YOU should be paying ME to put up with those skanky chavs on the bus home from Poole. Seriously. 
Considering my issues with my car, I think public transport should be free, or at least as good as. To get a return from Salisbury to London is like £70!! Sure the rails cost a lot to maintain, but making the tickets cheaper means they'd get more business... Cut out the biscuit and drinks man for a vending machine and have the ticket scanner on the train doors instead of the inspector dude and you've cut out about £40,000 in salaries per train per year! WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING THIS?! And then they can pass the savings onto us :D I dream of a day where you can get to London for a tenner.



They're more animal than plant, they can grow in less than an hour, and they can kill people!
DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THE DANGER HERE?! These things are trained killers, with their weird vein-y bits and floaty spores. FOR GODS SAKE THESE ARE DANGEROUS PEOPLE. If I had my way they would be banned. Forever. And for all those people who were bummed about fox hunting being banned, I would give them beakers of acid and they can trot on their horses to the forest and pour it all over ANY FUGUS THEY COULD SEE. And then we would all live happily ever after. Without Farmhouse pizzas.



You want my respect... Wearing that?!
I regularly read More, Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Company magazine, and I have been eagerly awaiting a very key item of clothing to come back into fashion, but to no avail. I am of course referring t0...

The top hat. 

I mean seriously. We have fat people in leggings and crop tops, people wrapping fake hair around their foreheads, those overly detailed old man shoes, WHY NOT A TOP HAT?! I mean we're having our summer wear inspired by sailors, aztecs, animals, stuff that looks like it's been bought from a charity shop - and not to mention every decade for a century, if you want to be proper vintage, wear coat tails and a top hat. I implore you. Imagine walking onto a tube train and seeing everyone in top hats. How perfect would that be!? You could wear them to interviews! To the pub! To the carnival! You could take it off to show respect, or for a pretty lady. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS PEOPLE!

PS someone should get me a top hat for my birthday...


Did you just...? Really...? Yes you did just say that... Okaaaay...
So people say a lot of strange phrases. Paul Boag's just started Gee Wizz which has been driving me CRAZY, but NOTHING, and I mean nothing, holds a candle to "Oh my Days". OMD is not cool. You're basically taking "God", and inserting a substitute, but seeing as "Days" isn't an entity that can help you in any way, shape or form, (though it's debatable God is...) it pretty much reverts back and is no different to the original meaning. And it makes you sound like a complete DICK. Stop saying it. In my world anyone that says it will get the punishment of being shut in a prison cell with Rachael from Glee until their ears bleed, and they are resentful, cold and bitter enough to be let back into society. 


In addition to these changes I would also make downloads cheaper than buying a physical disc. ITUNES WHY ARE YOU CHARGING ME £8.99 FOR A DISC THAT IS £3 ON PLAY.COM?! 

And there should be an alley on my end of my road so I can get to town easier without having to walk in a massive loop just to get to the freaking post office that I can see from my house. I have seriously considered just throwing my mail to them from the balcony. I'm sure once I take the place over they'd let me do that. It'd be sweeeet.

 Also, I have every episode of Scrubs (except season 9) on my TV. Upon watching these again I now feel awful for you normal people who must have to just watch these when E4 dictates, or on megavideo telling you you've watched more than 72 minutes of video today. In my world there will be a channel solely dedicated to Scrubs. 24/7 on endless repeat.

Lastly, has anyone noticed how expensive books are?! Jesus! They're just paper...  

I Could Really Do With Some Post Right Now Guys....

The last time I looked, Blogger was down... Which confused me so I gave up and so haven't written in a while...
I've been really busy being at FOWD, then being at home, which involved the following:

- Going out to dinner - couldn't even eat the fairly small pasta dish I ordered.... :/

- Seeing Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (Which was CRAP)

- Having a fry up - YUM :D

- Watching Dr Who - I thought it was going to be scary...? Maybe this week's will be...

- Crying for no reason - seriously it's really strange. :S

- Spending my wages as fast as humanly possible - Mainly on Sims 3 expansions... O.o

- Standing at the front door waiting for the post to arrive

- Dreaming about the post arriving

- Running home in the rain to check if the post has come

- Seeing my sexy boyfriend - sleepovers! Yaaaaaaaaay :D

- Watching my sexy boyfriend play football - he was awesome :)

- Dreaming about the post some more...


Why so much excitement over the post, you ask?

LA Noire. Nuff Said.

Monday, 9 May 2011

I will give you sexual favours in return for that pebble over there

Ok so I won't. But female penguins will....

Say you're a penguin, and you're trying to make your nest. You're in a committed relationship with a sexy boy penguin, but, you look over and see something that could change that. 

A stone.

Not just any stone. A perfect stone that will fit beautifully into your nest. 

You want it.

But unlike other animals you won't go and rip his head off for it, oh no. You exchange it for sexual favours. Penguin Prostitution. 
According to Dr Fiona Hunter (a zoologist): “It tends to be females targeting single males, otherwise the partner female would beat the intruder up.
 To make matters worse, sometime the poor guy with the stone doesn't even get any. She'll get him all excited and the RUN AWAY WITH THE STONE. (I like to picture her giggling with glee whilst doing so...)



 Does anyone else find this just... freakin' hilarious!?

Saturday, 7 May 2011

For those concerned about the "sensitivity" of my blog.

Ok, so a lot of people have been giving me shit about my "confession" post a few days ago, saying it was insensitive, and even in some cases going as far as to accuse me of only doing it for publicity, so let me explain the reasoning behind it, and why I posted it here rather than taking a different approach.

I have before had a lot worse done to me than Doyle had done to him, and had anyone that hurt me publicly admitted that they were wrong and apologised, I would have been overjoyed. I don't know if other people would also like that satisfaction, maybe its just me, but to have public proof that I had done nothing wrong I would find reassuring.

Also, before Doyle left I had pretty much no chance to talk to him about all of this. He doesn't want to know what happened, so by sending him a message I would be forcing him to either read or delete it, meaning he would have no oppertunity to change his mind. Or if he opened it, didn't look and left it, but then years later decided out of curiousity he wanted to know, it would be a bitch to find. Whereas now it will have a permanent place and be ordered chronologically in my posts.

Also, in all honestly I feel awful, and I wanted people involved to know the truth, like friends on both sides, and people hearing half the story. I don't know about the rest of you, but for me, keeping that secret from the general public would be like living a lie.

So that's why I decided a blog post would be best. In the end, a blog is supposed to be a diary. If people want their names out, that's perfectly fine. But honestly it would feel like lying to my friends if they didn't know this, it wasn't intended for EVERYONE. I had no idea that many people even go on my facebook, for some of you, criticizing me was the first proper communication you've ever had with me. How nice. You only decide to bother talking to me once I've done something wrong.

Anyway, ranting aside, this may not have been the best way to deal with a situation, but it seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, and it was only written to try and do the right thing and come completely clean.

The post will stay archived on this blog for when Paul decides he wants to know the truth. But links to it from Facebook have been removed.

Friday, 6 May 2011

My Observations - Things I have learned this month.

1. Bass Guitar is totally awesome
Seriously, it's got to be the coolest instrument. I re-watched Scott Pilgrim the other day, and even though all the jokes feel old now, I never appreciated how great the music is. THE BASS IS SO LOUD :D I will totally learn that instrument some day.

2. I have become addicted to tea
It's the god of all drinks. Ellen says if you put sugar in you can live off it? Even if that's a lie, it's still epic. Even in summer. Although I'm putting near enough seven spoonfuls of sugar in with every cup. Not great :/

3. I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar is the best song ever
I first discovered the song about a year ago, and instantly bought the album, and I still haven't tired of it. It's so epic. Like literally epic. Paul put it on at the pub yesterday and I nearly died from happiness. Here, have a listen.


4. Sometimes life is exactly like the movies
I don't know how many of you noticed but my recent situation has been shockingly similar to a certain British film staring Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. Buut I don't think the ending is going to be the same. Unless I get with Ford and then find him with a Thai Ladyboy prostitute? What I'm trying to say is no matter how similar your situation may seem, don't take your morals from TV.


5. Stephen Merchant is the best voice actor ever
Wheatley has to be the coolest character in any game, ever!


 So there we have it! I decided not to put in the important moral lessons I have learned this month, like facing things, not running away, etc, but believe me they are well learnt.

Before I go I'd like to say thanks to Peter Andre for looking after my children all of you for helping my blog reach 5,000 views! Nice work! Love you all :D

He's so happy :')


ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIMON IBLE I LOVE YOU!!

Just to add

Before I continue posting mindless crap on here, I would like to say to people that had their doubts about my confession, that it was meant as a means of getting the truth out there. There were a lot of rumours flying around and I wanted to set everyone straight and be completely honest. I'm sorry if people found it mean. It was not intended that way.



And on a completely unrelated note, here is a picture that made me laugh xD

Teeeheeeeheeee

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Lololol

Just wanna see if this app does everything it says it does xD


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:The railway

Monday, 11 April 2011

How To Understand Teenagers

Us teenagers/young folk use a lot of confusing lingo some older people may find confusing, so being the good girl I am, I've compiled a phrase book for you to print off and use when your grand kids come to visit.

S'up/Yo/Wazzup/Oi - Hello, Grandma/pa.


Or some shit like that/or something/or whatever - I'm feeling non-committal about what I just said, and want to lessen its effect.

Like - Um/Err. Often used several times mid sentence for no good reason, often use in conjunction with "totally" for example "I'm like so totally going to have sex with that guy."

Innit - Isn't it?

CBB/CBA/Ceebs - I'm not feeling well/awake enough to do what you have asked of me, just yet. Eg: "I CBA to wash up, Grandma."

Fit/Buff - Aesthetically appealing.

Hella - Very. Eg. "I'm Hella cool." Would mean: I'm very cool.

Motha' Fucka' - somebody who has sexual relations with their parents. Often used as an insult

Sheep Shagger - Welsh folk.

LOL/ROFL/LMAO/:L - I found that amusing, Grandma!

Fail - Commonly used to insult someone's misfortune. Eg if you were to drop a box of cookies and get crumbs on the floor, your grandson may exclaim, "Fail!"

Cauldron of Awesomeness - Bowl

Bi-winning - Bi-polar

STFU - Please be quiet grandma I'm trying to read.

Awesome/Epic/Charlie Sheen - Good/Amazing. For example "Wow Grandma! This cake is Charlie Sheen worthy!"

Hobag - Unsightly female trying to attract gentlemen callers.

Grenade - Same as above only with the addition of the girl being over weight. And surrounded by attractive girls.

Gert - Huge.

Man Points - A system of keeping score of masculinity. For example, complaining about the weather could lose you 5 man points.

Owned - Losing or failing at something or against someone, but to an extreme.

You should also know we all hate Friday now.

Thought of any words I've missed? Comment below!





All Time Faves :)