If I Ruled the World.

To be honest, I don't think this post needs further explanation, so I'll just get on with the list if that's ok with you.

Woah. I paid like 50p for this service you assholes!

First of all, if you read my last post you'll know I'm totally hating on the Post Office right now. I can even look out my window as I type and see the bastards NOT DELIVERING ME LA NOIRE! That bald guy smoking the cigarette should stop killing his lungs and do some freakin' work! How bad is our system that things can just get "lost" and we never see them?! Paul spent £40 on a game once and it never got delievered! How unfair is that?! And you can't prove it so you can never get it back and stuff. Not fair. :'( If that happens with LA Noire I'm going to kill several people for revenge. Or at least mess with their post. I haven't decided yet...

If I were in control I would hire Moist Von Lipwig, that man knows how to deliver a letter. 

As a side note I would also change the uniform. I pity the 40 year old men being made to wear shorts. It's totally degrading.

Dude. I just got this thing. Now I have to pay for it in 5 ways before I can even use it?!

I got my car in October, but her tax disc ran out the day I picked her up. Around that time I also quit my full time, well paying job, so I have yet been able to tax my baby up and take her for a spin. Even if I wanted to I'd have to MOT her, insure her AND fill her up. Why can't this process be simpler?! I want to run into the DVLA throw money and them and scream THERE!!! CAN I DRIVE MY FUCKING CAR NOW?! Bastards. I ain't gunna be a part of their system. There should be one cost for driving, a hybrid insurance/tax if you will, then one MOT and petrol. Simpler. Oh and driving tests should be free the first time. That would be cool.

YOU should be paying ME to put up with those skanky chavs on the bus home from Poole. Seriously. 

Considering my issues with my car, I think public transport should be free, or at least as good as. To get a return from Salisbury to London is like £70!! Sure the rails cost a lot to maintain, but making the tickets cheaper means they'd get more business... Cut out the biscuit and drinks man for a vending machine and have the ticket scanner on the train doors instead of the inspector dude and you've cut out about £40,000 in salaries per train per year! WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING THIS?! And then they can pass the savings onto us :D I dream of a day where you can get to London for a tenner.

They're more animal than plant, they can grow in less than an hour, and they can kill people!

DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THE DANGER HERE?! These things are trained killers, with their weird vein-y bits and floaty spores. FOR GODS SAKE THESE ARE DANGEROUS PEOPLE. If I had my way they would be banned. Forever. And for all those people who were bummed about fox hunting being banned, I would give them beakers of acid and they can trot on their horses to the forest and pour it all over ANY FUGUS THEY COULD SEE. And then we would all live happily ever after. Without Farmhouse pizzas.

You want my respect... Wearing that?!

I regularly read More, Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Company magazine, and I have been eagerly awaiting a very key item of clothing to come back into fashion, but to no avail. I am of course referring t0...

The top hat. 

I mean seriously. We have fat people in leggings and crop tops, people wrapping fake hair around their foreheads, those overly detailed old man shoes, WHY NOT A TOP HAT?! I mean we're having our summer wear inspired by sailors, aztecs, animals, stuff that looks like it's been bought from a charity shop - and not to mention every decade for a century, if you want to be proper vintage, wear coat tails and a top hat. I implore you. Imagine walking onto a tube train and seeing everyone in top hats. How perfect would that be!? You could wear them to interviews! To the pub! To the carnival! You could take it off to show respect, or for a pretty lady. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS PEOPLE!

PS someone should get me a top hat for my birthday...

Did you just...? Really...? Yes you did just say that... Okaaaay...

So people say a lot of strange phrases. Paul Boag's just started Gee Wizz which has been driving me CRAZY, but NOTHING, and I mean nothing, holds a candle to "Oh my Days". OMD is not cool. You're basically taking "God", and inserting a substitute, but seeing as "Days" isn't an entity that can help you in any way, shape or form, (though it's debatable God is...) it pretty much reverts back and is no different to the original meaning. And it makes you sound like a complete DICK. Stop saying it. In my world anyone that says it will get the punishment of being shut in a prison cell with Rachael from Glee until their ears bleed, and they are resentful, cold and bitter enough to be let back into society. 

In addition to these changes I would also make downloads cheaper than buying a physical disc. ITUNES WHY ARE YOU CHARGING ME £8.99 FOR A DISC THAT IS £3 ON PLAY.COM?! 

And there should be an alley on my end of my road so I can get to town easier without having to walk in a massive loop just to get to the freaking post office that I can see from my house. I have seriously considered just throwing my mail to them from the balcony. I'm sure once I take the place over they'd let me do that. It'd be sweeeet.

 Also, I have every episode of Scrubs (except season 9) on my TV. Upon watching these again I now feel awful for you normal people who must have to just watch these when E4 dictates, or on megavideo telling you you've watched more than 72 minutes of video today. In my world there will be a channel solely dedicated to Scrubs. 24/7 on endless repeat.

Lastly, has anyone noticed how expensive books are?! Jesus! They're just paper...  

Things that shouldn't exist

I'm in one of those moods where I hate everything. Even inanimate objects. Where I feel like if they look at me funny I'll throw them across the room, or pour acid on them. I don't really know why I feel like this. I had a pretty big argument with someone important to me last night, but we made up and spent time together, and then I made up for the lost sleep today. Plus I saw friends and ate yummy food. So why am I so pissed off??? God knows. However in the meantime I'm going to write a list of things I hate. This may seem similar to my last post, but that was about celebs. This is broader ;)




Mushrooms

Rastafarian Death Mushrooms

Medusoid Mycelium

Most people have heard about my little.... err... problem. I'm Mycophobic, meaning I have an irrational and inexplicable fear of mushrooms and fungi. I have a few ideas where this could have originated from, such as the stoner mushrooms in The 10th Kingdom, that try to lure you to your death in cool Rasta voices, the Medusoid Mycelium in the Lemony Snicket Unfortunate Events books that grow in your throat and kill you, and my mother's threats in my childhood about drying off after a bath. Apparently if you don't dry everywhere, like under your knees and such, fungi will grow all over your body. I think she meant fungal infections etc but it had me freaked for a long time. Basically when I'm around mushrooms I get scared I'm going to inhale the spores, and that they will grow in my throat and choke/poison me to death... Crazy, I know, but I can't help it...




The Sound of People Chewing

What a Chump..

I absolutely HATE listening to people eat. Especially if they open their mouth a lot and it's all squelchy. Eurgh. I can't help being quietly disgusted by anyone who eats in my presence. Which isn't exactly fair as I'm no silent eater, (I'm one of those annoying people in the cinema who eats crunchy nachos) but it's nothing I can help. It's repulsive and before now it's put me off my food entirely. Sometimes food will even fall out of peoples mouthes, and you just DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK. Eating should be done alone, in my opinion. 




The Dark

This picture pretty much sums my
life up...

I hate to admit I am little afraid of the dark... Still. Even up to the age of about 16-17 I had to have a bedside lamp most nights. I'm not sure why... Sometimes I even slept with my main ceiling light thingy on. I can deal with bright, harsh light, but not darkness. When the level of darkness reaches the stage where there is no difference between opening and shutting my eyes, I'm freaked. Nowadays I'm listening to stuff on my iPhone and the light from that suffices as I drift off to sleep, but it's pretty embarrassing at other peoples houses. With my boyfriend it's ok because I'm sharing a bed with him, but sleeping on the floor somewhere, spiders could be crawling all over me and I wouldn't see!!

While we're on the subject of sleep I also can't sleep with my back to my room/door incase monsters creep up on me in the night... Yeah, I'm that cool.




Slow Computers

Just don't forget to save...

Slow computers suck. And don't be under the misguided impression that macs are better. Macs are Windows with out Ctrl-Alt-Del. No matter how good your processor is, how many gigs of RAM you have, how few applications you have running, your computer can STILL CRASH. Yes, even your mac. We have a mac that takes a good 3-4 mins to open iTunes, and another minute or so to start playing a song or video. Admittedly it's linked to 2 Apple TVs and our laptops connect to the external hard drive through it, but still! 

These things are evil..

My Scales
For two reasons, A. you have to kick it really hard to turn it on, and B. it never shows me nice numbers :(








Velvet

Eurghhhh

I don't understand how anyone can stand let-alone enjoy the feeling of velvet. It literally sends shudders down my spine. It feels almost dry and moisture sucking, like some paper towels we had at my old job, (but don't get me started on those...) Personally I like whatever duvets are made of, and my tolerance of fabrics ends there.







Blu-ray

Fuck you, Blu-ray!

Blu-ray seems to me like nothing more than a chance to re-sell us films we already own, with a slightly different case, for ridiculous amounts of money. Ok so maybe for a film like Avatar there may be advantages to Blu-ray, but Pretty Woman? Wayne's World? How exactly can these films be improved? They weren't filmed in HD, and surely by increasing the resolution you're just making it look crappier. And the extract in-film special features don't exactly make it worth it. What's the point seeing as more and more people are moving straight from DVDs to downloads anyway? And being an avid collector of DVDs myself, I don't want to see the day that DVD players are as hard to obtain as VCRs...






How Un-Photogenic I Am

The day we decided to play with my
purple make-up set...

Seriously, have you seen pictures of me?! Ok I don't have a great complexion, and my nose is kinda big, but other than that I think I'm ok, yet in photos I look like I'm evil/drunk/have been hit by a car/having a bad hair day/contemplating murdering the person taking the picture/all of the above. It's not fair! Look at the picture of me and Bronni, she looks pretty, and I look like a man in a wig. My absurdly odd fringe seems to be in a battle with my nose over who can take up most of my face. :(