Embarassing things I used to believe about sex when I was little.

If there's one thing I have to thank my mum for, it's for never bullshitting me about sex. There was never any of that "Mummies and Daddies wish really hard and babies appear," crap. She was honest. Naturally that made me the most knowledgeable person about sex at first school, a position of great honour, which, as I recall, I abused terribly. However, I never really picked up some of the finer details and so spent many years in the dark about so many things. Here's a few things I genuinely believed, cherry picked just for you. 

1. The man pees inside the woman.

Why don't we have cool stuff like THIS in Trafalgar Square? Way better than crappy lions.

Mum told me the man releases a "special fluid" inside the girl that contains a "seed". Being naive and young, I assumed it was piss. And that all piss contained this seed... I then started to get paranoid about toilet seats. Those things are notoriously covered in urine! What if I got some inside me?! This was just about the time I stopped using public toilets.

2. Penises point outwards, not upwards.

It looks like a shark fin...

I knew about erections, but all I'd seen were those pictures of pubescent boys at swimming lessons, their throbbing members bursting out in a thoroughly forward direction. I'm talking 90 degrees here, a perfect, incontestable "T" shape. If you turn the T on its side ;) So imagine my horror on encountering my first erect penis and it pointing very much towards the ceiling. I mean sure, everything made so much more sense with this new knowledge, but I had spent years trying to figure out how you would go about having sex with the 90° penis (my conclusion was something similar to what we would call a wheelbarrow position), and now I felt utterly humiliated and rather dumb. Plus I must have looked very shocked when I saw his manhood, which  would be a crippling blow to any gentleman's self esteem.

I can imagine this being a bastard on her arms.

3. Sex is just in and out once, not repetitive motion.

Watch from about 2 minutes in. They're not moving! It looks like she's just sitting on him!

Along Came Polly was the only film I'd watched with sex in that I'd actually noticed, and seriously, they make sex look like you're just sitting there, inside each other, waiting to finish. I had no idea until literally mid losing my virginity that this wasn't the case. I remember thinking to myself "Nooo! This isn't how you do it! Why is he moving so much? Is he trying to get comfy? Wuhhh?" As you can guess it wasn't an experience I enjoyed much, if at all, but at least I learned this lesson.

4. Only some boys have testicles.

Because my young eyes had only seen a handful of penises through incidents like accidentally walking in on my dad in the bath, kids getting them out the the playground etc, I had seen testicles once, and could not for the life of me figure out what they were. I think I put them down to some sort of growth and ignored their existence for quite a while.

If only I'd seen this lamp sooner!

5. Blow jobs are literally just blowing on a penis, and have little to do with sex.

Can't really elaborate on this one. But I will say that the name is horrifically misleading in this way, and you learn the term YEARS before you are actually required to give one.

6. Booby traps were literally traps that grabbed your boobies.

Naturally I shared all these view with my classmates, some of whom actually believed me and so I'd like to apologize to anyone who went to Holy Trinity CE Primary School if I blurred your view of sex in any way.

If anyone else had any stupid view like this, please comment with them so I know I'm not the only retard in town ;)