Why "True Love" and "Guy Love" Can Fuck Off

Yup. It's another rant. 

I've been ill in bed all week and, naturally, this has resulted in me watching a buttload of tv. Mainly, Scrubs and Vampire Diaries, so both my rants have stemmed from these programs. Plus I re-read the first Vampire Diaries book today, so maybe if you don't know a lot about that series you might not get my first point, but other films back it up. So lets get started.

Elena and Stefan's love in The Vampire Diaries is fake, shallow and frankly, unearned.

This is a basic summary of their relationship, and how it was formed in the first Vampire Diaries book. 

Elena's parents are dead, but don't worry she's still super popular and beautiful and described by friends and enemies alike as "Queen of the school" who can pull any guy she likes. Then on the first day of term Stefan Salvatore turns up. A short, dark stranger wearing sunglasses, who pulls up in a Porsche and despite Elena's best efforts, totally blanks her. Naturally being as determined as she is, she tries lots of ways to get his attention, but to no avail. Frustrated she goes and gets herself raped in a cemetery, Stefan shows up and saves the day. And guess what? Turns out he wasn't blanking her because he hated her, but because he was in love with her, she tells him she loves him too the morning after this. THEY ARE IN LOVE ALREADY WTF?! Later she walks in on him doing vampire-y things and is like OMG D: But after about 10 minutes she's fine, and they're soul mates again.

Are you guys seeing my problem here? There is no foundation for love! It's completely unearned and unwarranted. Sure they find each other attractive but I think it's insulting to real love to say that they could have these feelings after a couple of weeks staring at each other, and then two conversations. After this point in both the TV show and the books, they are ready to literally die for each other. It angers me because the author is too lazy to show any build up to that relationship. No subtlety, no flirting, no letting the readers get excited about whats going to happen. Just:

Ooh that guy's hot! ---> Kiss ---> I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU I'D DIE FOR YOU AND SACRIFICE ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST TO BE WITH YOU.

 Maybe I'm a cynic, but as far as I'm concerned that just doesn't happen. Relationships develop. It takes time to build up feelings that strong for a person. I don't know if Twilight develops the love better than this cause I get the impression they have all this "I'd die for you" crap. Don't get me wrong, if I had to chose between saving myself or Paul, I'd chose his life every time, but we've known each other for ages.

Do you get what I'm saying or is the Flu going to my head?

Oh this also happens in Leap Year. They really fail at what they're trying to do. I see no reason why those two people should be in love. It's totally unconvincing. Rent it and see. Anyway, on to my second point:

JD from Scrubs is a bastard. And Elliot should have married Keith.

 

Ok so I may have an obsessive knowledge of Scrubs. I can tell you with a good degree of accuracy what happens in an episode, or what number/season it is with very few prompts. So maybe I notice this more than other people, but as far as I've seen, JD is a dick. Think about this: 

1. He convinced Elliot to leave Shaun, then dumped her the next day.
2. He told Kim (his pregnant girlfriend) that there was absolutely no chance he would ever forgive or fall in love with her, and then was just as brutally honest while she was in labour, causing them to break up.
3. As illustrated by a whole episode, all he does is take from his friends, and demand looking after.
4. When he and Carla accidentally kiss he's initially happy to let her take the blame and risk ruining their marriage before he has it pointed out to him that what he's doing is wrong.
5. He switched his hours so he had a night off that was Turks only alone night, and then assumed Turk would hang out with him every week without even consulting him first.
6. He tried to kiss Elliot while she was engaged to Keith, and kept saying "It should have been me." 
7. If he liked Elliot so much why did he try to spend all that time trying to sleep with her best friend while Elliot got engaged?
8. He's needy and spends all his time wallowing in self pity, and yet in some episodes he's a narcissist.

I'm sure I can think of more reasons why I hate him, but there's a few to get you started. Keith was a genuinely nice, honest person who would do anything for Elliot, and was way hot. I seriously considered not watching after the end of season six...

For Your Enjoyment - A Compilation of the World's Strangest Sexual Fantasies

So a lot of us generally have some kind of fantasy, whether it's a threesome, being tied up, having food involved etc, most are generally deemed socially acceptable - to a degree, but what about when they get really freaky? 


These are all real legit stories I've seen online. I thought I'd take a break from actually having to be creative, and just find some amusing, juicy stuff to laugh at.

"my strangest sexual fantasy is a woman cutting off my penis and balls with a knife. Literally."

Lets look at some bizzare sexual practices... 


Agalmatophilia

Agalmatophilia is a paraphilia concerned with the sexual attraction to a statue, doll, mannequin or other similar figurative object. The attraction may include the desire for actual sexual contact with the objects, a fantasy of having sexual (or non-sexual) encounters with the animate or inanimate instances of the preferred objects, the act of watching encounters between the objects themselves, or sexual pleasure gained from thoughts of being transformed or transforming another into the preferred object. Agalmatophilia may also encompass Pygmalionism which describes a state of love for an object of one’s own creation.

This reminds me of that Family Guy where Peter cheats on Lois with that cardboard cut-out of the woman in the bikini. 

Autopederasty

Autopederasty is the near-impossible act of sticking one’s own fully-erect penis in one’s own rectum. Yes. Only a small percentage of people can do it, but it’s possible! There is a porno called “Go Fuck Yourself” that is devoted to the act, even going so far as to instruct people on how to do it! NOTE: There are two other, more familiar variants: Autofellatio is when a man gives himself oral sex; Then, there is Autocunnilingus, where a woman gives herself oral sex.

Isn't this what Marilyn Manson supposedly had ribs removed for?? :/




Emetophilia

Talk about blowing chunks! Obviously, the words “erotic” and “vomiting” are not often used together. However, they do have similarities: Both trigger the release of hormones that make you feel better; both are caused by stimulus; and, for men at least, both involving having fluids get forced through a tube and out of an orifice. The primary dissimilarity is that most people do not associate throwing-up with a pleasurable experience. Dr. Robert J. Stoller, a renowned sexologist and psychiatrist, begs to differ; Here he discusses the cases of three women: The first woman doesn’t do the Technicolor-yawn herself, instead, “…I can reach a sure orgasm by imagining someone vomiting in a hard, humiliating fashion…”; The second woman actually experiences an orgasm every time she throws up; The third and final woman describes it like this: “…Vomiting for me is like…an orgasm in that I’m tensed, I feel the…intense flood of good feelings almost continually throughout the vomiting and experience relief and quiet warmth in my body when I’m finished. It is not identical to an orgasm. I do not feel it intensely in my genitals alone, but I do feel it there as well as the rest of my body and…in my mouth…”. NOTE: There is also a practice known as “Roman-showers”, which is to become aroused by being vomited upon. 

Its funny how these remind me of Family Guy moments..

As well as these oddities, I've also seen people during my research that are into amputees, mummifying people, eating sushi off naked women etc. Plus you have stuff like violence, bestiality. What a weird world we live in.... Meh, as long as you're not hurting anyone against their will, whatever turns you on ;)

TV Worth Watching

So I've made a big list of every TV show I watch and why you should too. Mainly for the hell of it. I'm bored this evening ok? And none of these shows are one right now...


Epics

Misfits




Basic Idea: Young offenders get superpowers and frequently accidentally kill people, but somehow manage to keep it all on the low down.
Best Character: Nathan - He's hilarious, and has big eyebrows.
Best Episode/Season: The one with the gorilla in the gorilla costume.
Lovable Aspects: The gorilla in the gorilla costume. Plus the fact that it's set in London rather than America
The Downside: Simon is NOT HOT. EVER. Plus series 2 got confusing.
Rating: 9/10


Dr Who




Basic Idea: Immortal time travelling man with plentiful female escorts repeatedly saving the human race, and aliens that look suspiciously like humans.
Best Character: Amy Pond or Rose Tyler
Best Episode/Season: The one where Rose goes into the other dimension and it's all sad.
Lovable Aspects: It always snows on Christmas, even though it never does in real life. The Doctor can be pretty funny.
The Downside: All the companions are always girls, and they nearly always fall in love with him. Same-y much?
Rating: 8/10


Heroes




Basic Idea: People have superpowers caused by evolution and genetics and shizz. One guy tries to steal everyone else's powers by killing them.
Best Character: Hiro and Ando
Best Episode/Season: Season 1. And probably 3. 2 and 4 sucked.
Lovable Aspects: Cute ignorant Japanese men trying to save the world.
The Downside: The Petrelli family. They're boring.
Rating: 9/10



Funnies

Cleveland Show



Basic Idea: Family Guy spin-off featuring Cleveland Brown as he moves in with a new family in Stoolbend Virgina. Probably even less politically correct than Family Guy.
Best Character: Rallo - "Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds."
Best Episode/Season: The first ever episode
Lovable Aspects: Roberta's boyfriend who desperately wants to be black, the rap battle between Cleveland Jr and Kanye West.
The Downside: THERE IS NO DOWNSIDE
Rating: 10/10


Family Guy



Basic Idea: A retard, ginger, fat kid, suicidal teen, evil genius and talking dog together in a house. Living nearby a pervert, a cripple and a black guy. Carnage ensues.
Best Character: Stewie
Best Episode/Season: The Surfin Bird episode
Lovable Aspects: Stewie being secretly in love with Brian, everyone constantly ripping into Meg, Cleveland having his roof blown off whilst being in the bath, and shouting "No, no, no, nooo!" as he falls.
The Downside: Has gotten quite old and possibly, dare I say it, over done?
Rating: 8/10



Extras




Basic Idea: Extra trying to make it as an actor, makes fun of famous people.
Best Character: Barry of off Eastenders
Best Episode/Season: Gotta be either Kate Winslet, Daniel Radcliff, Patrick Stewart or Ian McKellen. Probably the latter.
Lovable Aspects: Real celebrities making themselves out to be utter pricks for humour. Gotta respect that. Watch it too much and you start to believe that's what they are like in real life.
The Downside: Sometimes it crosses the PC line so much it actually makes you cringe...
Rating: 6/10



IT Crowd


Basic Idea: Geeks mixed with Heat-magazine-reading female.
Best Character: Moss or Douglas
Best Episode/Season: The one in season 4 with the Dungeons and Dragons
Lovable Aspects: Moss's blantant Autism, Richmond, Mr Renholm and his declaring war, Douglas's sexual conquests. The funeral. Milk and street countdown.
The Downside: Not enough episodes in existence.
Rating: 10/10