You should all see this!!

How To Understand Teenagers

Us teenagers/young folk use a lot of confusing lingo some older people may find confusing, so being the good girl I am, I've compiled a phrase book for you to print off and use when your grand kids come to visit.

S'up/Yo/Wazzup/Oi - Hello, Grandma/pa.


Or some shit like that/or something/or whatever - I'm feeling non-committal about what I just said, and want to lessen its effect.

Like - Um/Err. Often used several times mid sentence for no good reason, often use in conjunction with "totally" for example "I'm like so totally going to have sex with that guy."

Innit - Isn't it?

CBB/CBA/Ceebs - I'm not feeling well/awake enough to do what you have asked of me, just yet. Eg: "I CBA to wash up, Grandma."

Fit/Buff - Aesthetically appealing.

Hella - Very. Eg. "I'm Hella cool." Would mean: I'm very cool.

Motha' Fucka' - somebody who has sexual relations with their parents. Often used as an insult

Sheep Shagger - Welsh folk.

LOL/ROFL/LMAO/:L - I found that amusing, Grandma!

Fail - Commonly used to insult someone's misfortune. Eg if you were to drop a box of cookies and get crumbs on the floor, your grandson may exclaim, "Fail!"

Cauldron of Awesomeness - Bowl

Bi-winning - Bi-polar

STFU - Please be quiet grandma I'm trying to read.

Awesome/Epic/Charlie Sheen - Good/Amazing. For example "Wow Grandma! This cake is Charlie Sheen worthy!"

Hobag - Unsightly female trying to attract gentlemen callers.

Grenade - Same as above only with the addition of the girl being over weight. And surrounded by attractive girls.

Gert - Huge.

Man Points - A system of keeping score of masculinity. For example, complaining about the weather could lose you 5 man points.

Owned - Losing or failing at something or against someone, but to an extreme.

You should also know we all hate Friday now.

Thought of any words I've missed? Comment below!

How to be English. Because we are cooler than any of you. And we don't drink THAT much tea...

So I got bored and started watching/reading some stuff on how to be British/English, and how to impersonate our accent. And frankly I'm appalled. People seem to think we are either Chavs, or upper class snobs. I think some people even had us confused with Americans! Look at this quote from one of the articles!

"Be lots of fun. Many English people are full of energy and it makes people want to be around them more. Do something impulsive, or try being a daredevil. Others will love it."

 That is good advice, but it is NOT England at all. That's the opposite of us! So, for you amusement and benefit, I present to you a REAL guide to being English.

1. The art of Complaining

Us English people love to complain. It's like a sport for us. It doesn't even mean we're unhappy, we just get a kick out of it. Living in a first world country doesn't really leave that much to want for, so most of us will find even the slightest inconvenience and start bombarding the council/local newspaper with angry letters. We're like the mother-in-law of the world. Have a read of this article and you'll catch my drift. You need to complain about EVERYTHING if you want ANYONE to believe you're English.

Devon woman to sue council over unsightly wheelie bin 

2. Bitterness and Resentment

Being bitter goes hand in had with complaining. We're that kid who stays in his room all night, scrolling through his News Feed posting rude hateful comments between having narcissistic wanks and being a lonely problem drinker. 

We hate every other country. Especially America and France. The Americans because they are too cheerful, and optimistic for us, and we find the French to have unsightly manners and are far more skilled in romance, which as a nation we resent. 

You may be wondering how to apply this to situations. Well. When you are in the pub with the English people you are trying to fool, and they start complaining about their chairs/pints/wives/lives/children/taxes/immigrants etc, all you need to say is, "Hey, it could be worse, you could be French." Big English Brownie Points for that one.

3. Real English people won't watch the Royal Wedding

Just like we don't watch the Queen's speech at Christmas. English people not only hate other countries, the hate also flows internally too. We hate those bastard not-quite-countries on what should be OUR island (I'm looking at YOU Wales/Scotland), everyone down south hates everyone up north, and people in London just generally hate, well, everyone NOT in London. 

But don't worry! We are all of us bound by a mutual hatred of Birmingham.

So wherever in England you are, pull out a map and bitch until you're hearts content. Try calling people from a place Chavs or Skin 'eads, suggest places are cheap and disgusting, and just generally be inventive.

4. We've evolved from Tea.

Now we drink cheap cider and Bacardi Breezers and get pregnant at 14! If you really want to be English you need to have had at least one pregnancy scare in your teenage years. If not make one up.

Useful Phrases:

Rather than spending valuable tea drinking time listing English phrases, I'm going to be lazy and show you a video that sums up all England is today.

 

If you want to see the articles and videos that inspired this blog, go to My Facebook

My Red Hair xD

It went ginger... :(

A few words of wisdom...

I have a few, completely unrelated things I want to say.

♣ First off, Halo Reach is coooool. I can't believe I took so long to get that game.

♣ Secondly, turns out my hair is a mutant super being that is resilient to even the strongest of chemicals, my hair spent less than a day being red before it went back to ginger.

♣ Also, it's never good to leave loose ends with people. No matter how much they've hurt you. Clear things up :) That way there's less things to haunt you on those nights when you can't sleep. I've fixed two pretty damn awful relationships in the last fortnight. GO ME xD

♣ My voice is fucking annoying hahahaha

♣ Never get baking power confused with bicarbonate of soda.

♣ Never get a motorhome. Seriously. They reversed it into my car and now it has to be written off! Oh and they drove it off still plugged into the house and broke loads of electrical shizz. CLEVER BOAGS!

♣ I never really noticed before just how differently girls get treated to boys. Especially when the eventual goal ISN'T sex. Strange...

♣ It is bloody hard thinking of things to write about on here.

♣ Oh! and lastly, never run with scissors!!