Being A Facebook Douchebag - A Comprehensive Guide

Disclaimer: This article is written in jest. I actually love looking at the weird shit people put on Facebook. Sometimes stuff gets so bad it's funny. So don't get offended. Also I'm fully aware I've done lots of these things myself. Hypocrisy FTW :D

We all see them on our news feeds. Maybe we’ve even been then sometime. But it’s pretty hard for us intellectuals, with reading levels over the age of 3, and with a shred of common decency to manage to be a Facebook Douchebag all that often. So here’s a guide. Print it out and stick it to your computer screen. Not being able to see what you’ve written might just aid in the quest to piss off your online companions. But I digress...

• Use hashtags in your statuses! - “Just ate a grap! #imsoquirky”. Or maybe try some cool phrases! “Going to get so drunk I need subtitles - YOLO!”.

• Upload pictures of things you’ve cooked! Pretty cakes to beans on toast and everything in between! People love seeing that shit! Maybe stick a few up of your pets too. Everyone else cares about your Jack Russell so much.

• Did you study French in Year 9? Ever watched Pans Labyrinth? Tell your Facebook friends you speak French and Spanish! It’ll make you look cultured, and no one can call you on it! (Unless they speak that language. But these are online people, you never have to actually see them...)

• Grammar, punctuation and spelling are for nerds. Its Facebook. It doesn’t matter if it takes several seconds for people to decipher what you’ve said, maybe that way they won’t realize just how boring you are for a little while longer...

• If you’re a girl, make an album with your name or a cutesy nickname, put a little heart next to it, and then start adding to it! Take a new photo after you’ve put your make up on every day and upload it. It’ll brighten peoples morning seeing your smug face once again, for no discernible reason!

• Plus, you can then choose one of these pictures, instagram the crap out of it, add some cheesy text about ‘true love’ or ‘self respect’, and then put it as your profile picture! Everyone will think you’re so deep.

• Make a Facebook group for yourself or your ‘hobby’. You’re a great Model/Photographer/Artist/Musician! Let the world know!

• Write essays about the person you love as your status. Regardless of how things are going. You could write “I luff ma babee so much he is so good to me!” on good days, and “Why is he being so mean to me I don’t get it what have i done i love you..” on the bad ones. That way all your friends can feel guilty and try to reassure you every day until they get sick of it and delete you.

• To make people pay even more attention to you, why don’t you try loudly announcing you are upset, and then not telling anyone why. People love that shit. Makes you seem mysterious.

• If you have a significant other, as well as posting love messages on each other’s walls, involve yourself in everything else they do. Like all their statuses and join in on all their conversations with other people. Why wouldn’t they want you prying on every aspect of their life!

These are just a few quick ideas to get you started. Of course you could always try being insensitive to other people's beliefs, try to enforce your own beliefs on other people, or check in everywhere you go. That'll get a couple of people to unsubscribe to your newsfeeds.

God I'm an angry bitch sometimes, haha.

In April, no-one can hear you scream...

     

Click on the pictures to view them full size :)

Lord of... the... taxi? Uhhh...

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This is why we drink...

This happens every day. Like clockwork. At 6pm.

Oh and these are pretty much direct quotes from him too D:

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If anyone needs me I'll be in the cupboard...

This is literally where I am right now. Psychology reports are hard. And I don't understand statistics. Like, at all. :/
Oddly enough, I didn't find Narnia in there...

Click to view full size :)

This is why we don't let girls in the den!

Click on the picture to view a full size version :D

Click to view full size :)

Ok so this is the first draft of an idea I'm trying... :)

It needs a final panel, but I'm feeling uninspired. And the quality will improve drastically when I can afford the software this is made in. For now I'm having to print-screen everything. SO TEDIOUS! :)

I will give you sexual favours in return for that pebble over there

Ok so I won't. But female penguins will....

Say you're a penguin, and you're trying to make your nest. You're in a committed relationship with a sexy boy penguin, but, you look over and see something that could change that. 

A stone.

Not just any stone. A perfect stone that will fit beautifully into your nest. 

You want it.

But unlike other animals you won't go and rip his head off for it, oh no. You exchange it for sexual favours. Penguin Prostitution. 

According to Dr Fiona Hunter (a zoologist): “It tends to be females targeting single males, otherwise the partner female would beat the intruder up.

 To make matters worse, sometime the poor guy with the stone doesn't even get any. She'll get him all excited and the RUN AWAY WITH THE STONE. (I like to picture her giggling with glee whilst doing so...)

 Does anyone else find this just... freakin' hilarious!?

How To Understand Teenagers

Us teenagers/young folk use a lot of confusing lingo some older people may find confusing, so being the good girl I am, I've compiled a phrase book for you to print off and use when your grand kids come to visit.

S'up/Yo/Wazzup/Oi - Hello, Grandma/pa.


Or some shit like that/or something/or whatever - I'm feeling non-committal about what I just said, and want to lessen its effect.

Like - Um/Err. Often used several times mid sentence for no good reason, often use in conjunction with "totally" for example "I'm like so totally going to have sex with that guy."

Innit - Isn't it?

CBB/CBA/Ceebs - I'm not feeling well/awake enough to do what you have asked of me, just yet. Eg: "I CBA to wash up, Grandma."

Fit/Buff - Aesthetically appealing.

Hella - Very. Eg. "I'm Hella cool." Would mean: I'm very cool.

Motha' Fucka' - somebody who has sexual relations with their parents. Often used as an insult

Sheep Shagger - Welsh folk.

LOL/ROFL/LMAO/:L - I found that amusing, Grandma!

Fail - Commonly used to insult someone's misfortune. Eg if you were to drop a box of cookies and get crumbs on the floor, your grandson may exclaim, "Fail!"

Cauldron of Awesomeness - Bowl

Bi-winning - Bi-polar

STFU - Please be quiet grandma I'm trying to read.

Awesome/Epic/Charlie Sheen - Good/Amazing. For example "Wow Grandma! This cake is Charlie Sheen worthy!"

Hobag - Unsightly female trying to attract gentlemen callers.

Grenade - Same as above only with the addition of the girl being over weight. And surrounded by attractive girls.

Gert - Huge.

Man Points - A system of keeping score of masculinity. For example, complaining about the weather could lose you 5 man points.

Owned - Losing or failing at something or against someone, but to an extreme.

You should also know we all hate Friday now.

Thought of any words I've missed? Comment below!

AWKWARD TURTLE

Hey all, just a quickie, should be in bed, gotta get up at like 8! D:

But I've gotta say;

In Lord of the Rings - Return of the King, does anyone feel really awkward when Aragorn randomly starts singing?

I mean, he spends the whole 3 films being all manly and buff (yummmm! :P), but then decides to do a Disney style Burst Into Song Moment?! 

I mean at this point, even Frodo is more masculine than him, and I would bet my house poor old Baggins Junior is a closet homosexual! 

Poor Arwen, she finally gets her sexy ranger, and he goes all Choir on her. Eurgh. I bet even the elves are doing awkward turtle at this point. 

Yup, thats right Aragorn, you've done tons of badass shit, so go get wasted with Gimli and Long-Haired-Puff-Whose-Name-Escapes-Me. Don't sing.

That is all.

Let's Talk About Sexy Sex!

Ok, so there are a lot of myths and legends about sex, and subjects surrounding it, so I thought a fun way to relaunch this blog would be to explore these. I've done some research, both personal and on the web and found some of the weirdest myths to show you. And best of all, they are all true!

1. You can tell if a bloke is gay by comparing their ring and index finger.
I didn't believe this one! It seems completely impossible. But apparently a longer ring finger means you have more testosterone in your body, so you're all manly and macho, possibly aggressive, queer hating, drink a lot of beer, carry a shotgun for shooting immigrants, kill boar with your bear hands etc (ok I've started exaggerating here... it's mainly that you're more boisterous.)

On the other hand a longer index finger means more estrogen, so you're more feminine in an over-sensitive, neurotic kinda way. But if you're a straight guy with a longer index finger don't start questioning your sexuality just yet, because...

If the two fingers are very similar in length, you are most likely to be gay, and this applies to girls too.

 

Most of the time this can be transferred to females also. I personally have a longer index finger. So I'm neurotic. Yeah, sounds like me. Anyone reading find this doesn't apply to them?

2. Asian Men are Tiny, Black Men are Massive.

Not surprisingly, some people will deny this rumour with a passion, some will accept it. ;) But according to statistics it's true. However me and a friend have both had encounters with Asian men, and I found mine to be on the disappointing side, whereas she was thoroughly satisfied with hers. Although there are many factors in this. Mine was a drunken one night thing, so my perception may been out of whack, and hers was a long term relationship, so she may have felt responsible for defending his member. Maybe I have higher standards. :P Who knows? But statistics don't lie... Oh wait...

Also, anyone else wondered or know whether this one applies to girls?

3. Girls Masturbate.

Many boys think that absolutely no girls do it! Many girls think they can't do it! It's normal and common. Sure it's harder but it happens. Contrary to popular believe girls have exactly the same sex drive as boys, we're just less "promiscuous". Allegedly. But sadly lots of girls think that we can't, and that it's weird, look at this question I stumbled across on Yahoo Answers:

"Should girls masturbate?

may sound a little weird but i am 15 and have never masturbated but i heard about girls doing it and was wondering if it was normall to do so

please help

Additional Details

if so how do you do it"

Poor girl. The winning answer, in case you were interested, was "why not?" haha.

4. Orgasms Cure Depression.

This is totally true! I've seen it in so many books and on TV, plus on leaflets at therapy etc. Having between 3-5 orgasms a week significantly lowers depression, helps your esteem AND helps you lose weight. SO GO FOR IT!

On the flip side, here's a selection of hilarious things people have believe about sex that aren't true...

There's no risk if you're standing on a telephone directory

You can’t get pregnant on a boat

You get pregnant if you take folic acid 

You can’t get pregnant your first time

A boy is only fertile if his testicles feel cold

You can’t get pregnant if you 'wash' with coca cola

You can’t get pregnant having sex standing up

You are definitely gay if you fantasise about people of the same sex

Jumping up and down after sex stops you getting pregnant

You can get pregnant through oral sex

You can reuse condoms

If you don't have a condom you can use clingfilm or a crisp packet

Christianity Vs Star Wars

For most of my life I have been exposed to both Christianity, and Star Wars, and I've decided to investigate which one I think would leave you feeling more fulfilled and self actualized. I will address a number of conflicts before finally concluding which is the better option. 

What would you rather have in a fight? A crucifix, or a Lightsaber? I think most sensible people would choose the latter. In the end how much damage could you really do with a weighty piece of metal, maybe a good bash to the back of the head might cause unconsciousness, but you're never going to get a certain kill without brains squirting out everywhere and in your face. Messy. Whereas with a Lightsaber you can cut your enemies clean in half. And ain't nobody getting up after that. Fact. Lightsabers even look more godly and awesome. They're made of light. Not pussy gold. Score one for Star Wars!

Here's my next question for you boys and girls out there, which would you rather do? Endure a lengthy church service, or watch Empire Strikes Back? Star Wars addresses a lot of the issues the church does, for example:

• Selflessness - like when Luke goes to rescue Han and Leia from Darth Vader
• Love - between Han and Leia
• Family Issues - I am your father!
• Life After Death - Ghostly Obi-Wan
• Global Warming - There's blatantly an ice age on Hoth

Star Wars even addresses issues like incest in Return of the Jedi. Win/Win.

Who would you rather have on your side? God? or The Force? Do you want to spend weeks praying for something? Or take matters into your own hands by telekinesis, sensing danger, seeing the future and all the other advantages The Force brings, without you having to ask a deity first. Sure if put to the test God probably could overpower The Force, but it seems to me like that guy never really does anything.

Now, how would you rather learn about your religion? In a Sunday School with a teacher who is probably either a virgin or paedophile, neither of which can offer a particularly good view of the world, or learn hands on by becoming a Jedi Padawan? You could be spending your Sunday morning praying and learning about hell/chastity, or be surrounded by admiration, glory and swooning men/women due to the fact that you recently blew up an Imperial Star Destroyer.

However. Being a Christian means no sex before marriage. Being a Jedi means no sex ever. Which would be a massive trade off. However Anakin managed to keep his marriage on the down low, so you probably could too. So I think Star Wars wins hands down. But unfortunately, The Force doesn't exist. Neither does God. So we don't really even need to choose. What a waste of my life writing this.

The World's Worst Tattoos

I have recently been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo, so have been scouring Google Images for inspiration. However on my journey, I have stumbled upon some of the most embarrassing ideas to have permanently marked on your body imaginable.

Unicorns humping... Tasteful...

Anything from films dates incredibly quickly (unlike classics like Star Wars and Alien). This film only had one good quote and the rest of it was painful!

Depressing messages... If you want to wallow in self pity and emotion be my guest, but having it this large, this viewable, is unfair on anyone unfortunate enough to be in your company.

Tattoos by artists who suck. Seriously, their drawing is going to be on your body for the rest of your life, choose wisely! Also, a tattoo about beer? Seriously? Admittedly it's not overly visible, but get accused of Alcoholism and you're fucked.

Tattoos in a language that 95% of the time, the person getting it doesn't understand/can't read. They could be writing "I Touch Kids" on you back. You have to think about these things.

It's a sweet idea but Mums are generally the people that DON'T want you inking yourself. Especially not with tacky shite like this. I'm sure she'd love you just as much without it...

I consider this one self-explanatory.

Why? ... I vaguely understand the others, but this?! I'm clueless.

Things that shouldn't exist

I'm in one of those moods where I hate everything. Even inanimate objects. Where I feel like if they look at me funny I'll throw them across the room, or pour acid on them. I don't really know why I feel like this. I had a pretty big argument with someone important to me last night, but we made up and spent time together, and then I made up for the lost sleep today. Plus I saw friends and ate yummy food. So why am I so pissed off??? God knows. However in the meantime I'm going to write a list of things I hate. This may seem similar to my last post, but that was about celebs. This is broader ;)




Mushrooms

Rastafarian Death Mushrooms

Medusoid Mycelium

Most people have heard about my little.... err... problem. I'm Mycophobic, meaning I have an irrational and inexplicable fear of mushrooms and fungi. I have a few ideas where this could have originated from, such as the stoner mushrooms in The 10th Kingdom, that try to lure you to your death in cool Rasta voices, the Medusoid Mycelium in the Lemony Snicket Unfortunate Events books that grow in your throat and kill you, and my mother's threats in my childhood about drying off after a bath. Apparently if you don't dry everywhere, like under your knees and such, fungi will grow all over your body. I think she meant fungal infections etc but it had me freaked for a long time. Basically when I'm around mushrooms I get scared I'm going to inhale the spores, and that they will grow in my throat and choke/poison me to death... Crazy, I know, but I can't help it...




The Sound of People Chewing

What a Chump..

I absolutely HATE listening to people eat. Especially if they open their mouth a lot and it's all squelchy. Eurgh. I can't help being quietly disgusted by anyone who eats in my presence. Which isn't exactly fair as I'm no silent eater, (I'm one of those annoying people in the cinema who eats crunchy nachos) but it's nothing I can help. It's repulsive and before now it's put me off my food entirely. Sometimes food will even fall out of peoples mouthes, and you just DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK. Eating should be done alone, in my opinion. 




The Dark

This picture pretty much sums my
life up...

I hate to admit I am little afraid of the dark... Still. Even up to the age of about 16-17 I had to have a bedside lamp most nights. I'm not sure why... Sometimes I even slept with my main ceiling light thingy on. I can deal with bright, harsh light, but not darkness. When the level of darkness reaches the stage where there is no difference between opening and shutting my eyes, I'm freaked. Nowadays I'm listening to stuff on my iPhone and the light from that suffices as I drift off to sleep, but it's pretty embarrassing at other peoples houses. With my boyfriend it's ok because I'm sharing a bed with him, but sleeping on the floor somewhere, spiders could be crawling all over me and I wouldn't see!!

While we're on the subject of sleep I also can't sleep with my back to my room/door incase monsters creep up on me in the night... Yeah, I'm that cool.




Slow Computers

Just don't forget to save...

Slow computers suck. And don't be under the misguided impression that macs are better. Macs are Windows with out Ctrl-Alt-Del. No matter how good your processor is, how many gigs of RAM you have, how few applications you have running, your computer can STILL CRASH. Yes, even your mac. We have a mac that takes a good 3-4 mins to open iTunes, and another minute or so to start playing a song or video. Admittedly it's linked to 2 Apple TVs and our laptops connect to the external hard drive through it, but still! 

These things are evil..

My Scales
For two reasons, A. you have to kick it really hard to turn it on, and B. it never shows me nice numbers :(








Velvet

Eurghhhh

I don't understand how anyone can stand let-alone enjoy the feeling of velvet. It literally sends shudders down my spine. It feels almost dry and moisture sucking, like some paper towels we had at my old job, (but don't get me started on those...) Personally I like whatever duvets are made of, and my tolerance of fabrics ends there.







Blu-ray

Fuck you, Blu-ray!

Blu-ray seems to me like nothing more than a chance to re-sell us films we already own, with a slightly different case, for ridiculous amounts of money. Ok so maybe for a film like Avatar there may be advantages to Blu-ray, but Pretty Woman? Wayne's World? How exactly can these films be improved? They weren't filmed in HD, and surely by increasing the resolution you're just making it look crappier. And the extract in-film special features don't exactly make it worth it. What's the point seeing as more and more people are moving straight from DVDs to downloads anyway? And being an avid collector of DVDs myself, I don't want to see the day that DVD players are as hard to obtain as VCRs...






How Un-Photogenic I Am

The day we decided to play with my
purple make-up set...

Seriously, have you seen pictures of me?! Ok I don't have a great complexion, and my nose is kinda big, but other than that I think I'm ok, yet in photos I look like I'm evil/drunk/have been hit by a car/having a bad hair day/contemplating murdering the person taking the picture/all of the above. It's not fair! Look at the picture of me and Bronni, she looks pretty, and I look like a man in a wig. My absurdly odd fringe seems to be in a battle with my nose over who can take up most of my face. :(